


Million Reasons

by brujatrixie



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: A concept, M/M, not lesbian trixya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 03:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11569458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brujatrixie/pseuds/brujatrixie
Summary: In an effort to keep up appearances, they were still sharing a hotel room. After the show, Katya anxiously awaited Trixie’s arrival. The younger queen had stopped him during intermission to say that he wanted to talk when they got back, to which Katya reluctantly agreed. He didn’t want to talk to Trixie, he just wanted to hug and kiss and make up, but he knew that there were some difficult conversations to be had.





	Million Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> This is on artificialqueens, but I'm considering a follow-up so I wanted this to be easily accessible. Each time there's a lyric break, it's meant to be a new vignette, so a different date and location. Feel free to message me on tumblr about this or anything @sissy-puede :)

_You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go._

_You’re giving me a million reasons to quit the show._

_You’re giving me a million reasons._

Trixie walked through the halls of the venue for that night’s show. Another city, another dressing room, another reason. He was looking for his boyfriend and heavily sighed when he found Katya outside smoking. “I thought you were trying to quit,” Trixie mumbled as he approached the other man. 

“I _was_ ,” Katya snapped. 

“Okay, well…we’re on in thirty.” Trixie let the door slam behind him. He walked back down the hallway, letting the door to the shared dressing room slam louder than the door leading outside. He sat down in front of the station he had claimed in the dressing room and put his head in his hands. A light sob rippled through his body and all he could do would hope that none of the other queens would open the door. Of course, that was too much to ask for. Almost immediately, Jinkx was walking over to him and resting a comforting hand on his back.

“What’s up, Trix?” She sat down at her own makeup station next to him. 

“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” Trixie said, still keeping his head in his hands.

“Really? Because you look like shit,” Jinkx laughed. 

“Yeah, don’t I know it.” Trixie laughed too, finally raising his head. 

“What’s going on, love?” 

Trixie shook his head, “Kat and I have been together a long time, y’know? Like almost two years. And I don’t know if it’s because we recently moved in together or something but it’s like all the little things are getting to me.” 

“Like what?” Jinkx pulled out a makeup wipe and handed it to Trixie, indicating that he needed to fix his eye makeup.

“Thanks, girl. It’s just like, he doesn’t set the alarm _ever._ He forgets to lock the door, or put a towel down on the god damn bathroom floor when he takes a shower. Just stupid shit like that. And we both make bitchy comments to each other all the time, but lately they haven’t been jokes.” He dipped his brush in white eyeshadow and patted it on. 

“Did something happen today?” Jinkx asked cautiously. 

“We got into a fight at the hotel earlier. I told him I want to quit the tour and he flipped the fuck out. Then I told him it was because he’s driving me up a fucking wall. And I know that wasn’t the right thing to say, but it’s true. I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” He blinked back tears, not wanting to have to fix his makeup a second time.

“Doing the tour or your relationship?” 

Trixie didn’t get a chance to answer because Katya threw the door open. He offered Jinkx a close-lipped smile and completely ignored Trixie’s presence. 

_If I had a highway, I would run for the hills_

_If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still_

_But you're giving me a million reasons_

Trixie and Katya stood on stage together, doing an improvised ‘UNHhhh.’ For the sake of their fans, they decided to ignore the fact that they hadn’t spoken since the previous morning. 

“You guys,” Trixie began, “You have no idea how hard touring is. I truly no longer wish to live. I’m telling you, if I could quit, I would.” Trixie laughed and was so wrapped up in the audience laughing along with him that he didn’t notice Katya tense. 

“Then why don’t you, Barbra?” Katya asked. Trixie knew he was angry but the use of the name let the audience believe they were just being themselves. 

There was a pause in their usual flow of conversation, so a drunk white girl took it upon herself to yell “When are you getting married?” Normally, they just pretended not to hear things like that, but various other shouts asking the same question followed. 

“When Katya figures out how to be a human being,” Trixie laughed. 

Katya followed suit, saying, “How can I learn to be a human if all I want is to make contact with aliens?” 

“On that note, we’re out of here!” Trixie smiled and waved as they walked off stage while Katya just brushed passed him. “Kat, wait!” Trixie jogged a bit to catch up to his boyfriend. 

“What the _fuck_ was that?” Katya abruptly stopped walking to turn and face the taller man. 

“What?” 

“When I figure out how to be a human? Are you kidding me? I understand that it was joke but was it really? I’m more fucking human than you are!” He started to walk away then turned back around. “At least I’m real. If I’m being a mess I admit it! At least I have _emotions_.” 

“Yeah, maybe too many,” Trixie mumbled, turning to walk the other way.

“What the _fuck_ is your —“ 

“Hey, you guys okay?” Adore popped her head out of a dressing room to check on her friends.

“Yeah, we’re fine.” Trixie’s jaw clenched as he looked at Katya. 

“…Okay. Party.” Adore closed the dressing room door and went back to doing whatever it was she had stepped away from. 

“I’m not the one who needs to figure my shit out, Brian.” Katya calling Trixie by his real name sent shivers down his spine, and not in a good way. 

_I bow down to pray_

_I try to make the worse seem better_

_Lord, show me the way_

_To cut through all his worn out leather_

_I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away_

_But baby, I just need one good one to stay_

“I’m sorry to dump all this on you, Jinkxy. There’s no one else on this fucking tour that I can talk to who won’t tell Katya. Thank you for that, by the way.” Trixie was taking his makeup off after another successful show. He and Katya didn’t do their impromptu UNHhhh though, so he wondered if it was really a success on their part.

“It’s alright, dear. I’m here to listen,” Jinkx smiled. “Maybe you should try talking to him though?” 

“I know I should. I just feel so stupid. Like I don’t even know why we’re fighting.” That was a lie and both he and Jinkx knew it but pretended they didn’t. 

“It’s been two weeks of this tour and I’ve seen you speak twice. You have to talk to him,” the redhead smiled and placed a loving hand on Trixie’s knee. “This is the first night you couldn’t even bare to do UNHhhh.” 

“I know. We’re really going to be fine. I know we are. It’ll all be fine, it’s not even that big a deal.” Another lie, but this time Jinkx didn’t pretend.

“Brian, you know that’s not true. It’s clearly a big deal. I know I don’t see you guys that often but the people who do see you a lot love to talk about how amazing you are as a couple. To see you fight to the point where you’re not even speaking? That’s a big deal.” 

Trixie inhaled deeply and let his head fall back as he exhaled. “I know. I just don’t know what to do. What would you do?”

“Baby, I can’t tell you what to do to make it through this. You have to figure it out on your own, with Katya. You have to talk to him.” She got up and walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind her. 

_Give me a reason to stay_ , Trixie thought. 

_Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare_

_It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware_

_'Cause you've given me a million reasons_

At their current venue, the eight queens that were on the tour were forced to share one big dressing room. Katya and Trixie chose to situate themselves on opposite sides of the long vanity, the other six queens in between them. Much to Trixie’s delight, it was Jinkx who pulled out the seat next to him. Much to his dismay, however, it was Alaska who pulled out a seat next to Katya.

Alaska leaned over and whispered something in Katya’s ear. The shorter of the two immediately threw his head back laughing and wheezing. 

Jinkx followed the blonde drag queen’s line of vision and immediately recognized why Trixie had tensed. “Hey girl, you know there’s nothing going on there right?” 

“I know, I just…I can’t help it sometimes. My thoughts just get stuck in this cycle like that I’m not enough for him. Alaska is one of his best friends and that’s fine, but I was his best friend too.” Trixie brushed his eyeliner on, willing himself not to cry and ruin it. 

“Yeah, but you two were never _just_ best friends. There was always something more,” Jinkx whispered as she began to contour. 

Trixie just hummed in response. Adore and Bianca had gotten up, leaving just Milk and Courtney in the way of seeing Alaska and Katya’s interaction. He couldn’t see them, but he could certainly hear them. They were laughing and talking rapidly to one another, just like he and Katya used to.

Milk and Courtney eventually got up to soundcheck. With them gone, Trixie could see Katya and Alaska if he turned his head a tiny bit and looked in the mirror. Katya was usually the first one done with makeup, but with Alaska there to distract him it was taking much longer. Trixie had really hoped that wouldn’t be the case. He had hoped that Katya would be in and out in forty-five minutes and he wouldn’t have to watch his boyfriend, if he could still even call Katya that, interact with his new best friend. 

He was staring at them through the mirror, brush poised to paint on eyebrows, and was startled out of his thoughts by Jinkx coming to get him for his soundcheck. Jinkx walked with him to the stage, asking “Have you talked to him yet?”

“No, Alaska was there the whole time.” Trixie rolled his eyes.

“Oh, okay. You’re going to though, right?”

“Yes, I’ll talk to him after the show…if Alaska isn’t hanging on him.” Trixie paused, waiting for a reply. When he didn’t get one, he mumbled to himself, “He’s just giving me a million reasons.” 

“What?” Jinkx asked, not quite hearing him over Courtney’s singing.

“Nothing.” 

_And if you say something that you might even mean_

_It’s hard to fathom which parts I should believe_

_‘Cause you’ve given me a million reasons_

In an effort to keep up appearances, they were still sharing a hotel room. After the show, Katya anxiously awaited Trixie’s arrival. The younger queen had stopped him during intermission to say that he wanted to talk when they got back, to which Katya reluctantly agreed. He didn’t want to talk to Trixie, he just wanted to hug and kiss and make up, but he knew that there were some difficult conversations to be had. 

He heard the key in the lock and tried to act like he hadn’t been waiting for Trixie. “Hey,” he said, watching Trixie approach the bed. He was already out of drag. Katya assumed he must have de-dragged at the venue. 

“Hi,” Trixie replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

After a prolonged silence, Katya said, “So, you said you wanted to talk?” 

“Yeah, I just…I don’t know where to start?” It was more of an invitation for Katya to start the conversation than anything else. 

“Okay, well, why don’t we start with why you’ve been so upset with me lately?” _Wow, going right in for the kill,_ Katya thought to himself. 

“Oh. Well, I guess I just let little things get to me? And I’m really sorry and I still love you,” Trixie said in one breath. 

“I’m sorry, I just…you might mean that, but how am I supposed to believe it?” There was a long silence after Katya’s words. It was only broken by a small sniffle from Trixie. 

“You’re right. God, I’m so sorry.” He was openly crying now and Katya wanted to reach out and hold him. He stopped himself though, because he knew once his arms were wrapped around the taller man they would go back to pretending there weren’t a million reasons they were fighting. 

“I want to believe you, I do. But why should I?” The words came out harder than Katya had intended them, but he meant them. “I mean, we’ve been on this tour for three weeks and all you’ve done is start fights. I know that I’m a mess and that my struggles with anxiety or addiction or whatever effect you too. I know that. That doesn’t give you the right to hate me for it.”

“I don’t,” Trixie cried.

“Then please, _please_ stop acting like it.”The older of the two stood and grabbed a previously packed bag. “I just…I can’t right now. I’m spending the night in Alaska’s room.” He walked out and left Trixie to cry himself to sleep. 

_I bow down to pray_

_I try to make the worse seem better_

_Lord, show me the way_

It had been two days since their “talk” and Katya had spent both nights in Alaska’s room. The third night, Alaska finally asked, “What the fuck is going on in here on this day?” 

“What, Lasky?” Katya looked up from the book he was reading. 

“This is the third night you’ve been in here. And it’s fine, I don’t mind, but are you ever going to figure this out?” He sat next to Katya on the bed, resting against the headboard. 

“I don’t know. He looked at me and told me that he was sorry and still loved me and I just didn’t believe him.” Katya wiped a stray tear that had fallen. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know? Maybe I just need time. I feel like I’m the one at fault here when I’m not. He’s the one who’s been starting little fights lately and I guess they just came to a head on this tour.” The blonde man rested his head on Alaska’s shoulder. “And I know that rationally but part of me is always thinking about what _I_ did to make him start a fight. Is it my anxiety? Is it my addiction?” 

“I wish I could tell you, Kat. I really do. I can tell you that I don’t think it’s you. I think it’s a combination of things.” He wrapped his arm around Katya and pulled him closer.

“I know, I just can’t help but think it’s all my fault. I love him, I really do. But I know that sometimes two people can love each other and aren’t meant to be together.” He closed his eyes to prevent more tears from falling. 

“I don’t want to sugar-coat it and say that you are meant for each other, because maybe you’re not. Jesus, look at me and Sharon. We loved, still love, each other _so_ much but just couldn’t make a relationship work. I thank the goddess Ru every day that we’re friends.” Alaska traced indiscernible patterns on Katya’s arm as she spoke. 

“I don’t think I could be friends if we broke up.” 

“Maybe not, but you can at least try.”

“I don’t even know if we’re broken up right now. We’ve talked maybe four times in three weeks. And each time it’s ended in tears,” Katya sniffled. 

“I know, girl. The only thing I can tell you to do is talk to him.” 

_Oh, baby I'm bleedin', bleedin’_

_Can't you give me what I'm needin', needin'_

_Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith_

Katya took Alaska’s words to heart and knocked on the door to Trixie’s hotel room the next morning. “Hey, can I come in?” He smiled sheepishly as Trixie stepped out of the way so he could enter. The younger man didn’t look like he was going to say anything anytime soon, so Katya continued. “Tour’s almost over, are you excited?” 

“Yeah,” Trixie shrugged, sitting in the arm chair across from the bed. “What’re you doing here, Katya?” 

“I wanted to talk to you,” Katya pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it off. He flashed the black screen to Trixie and said, “No distractions.”

“Yeah, well, I wanted to talk to you three days ago and you wanted nothing to do with it.” Trixie folded his arms across his chest.

“I know, and I’m sorry I just walked out like that. But here’s the thing: I’m going to do that sometimes. Sometimes anxiety gets the best of me and I just simply cannot handle a situation. I need you to be okay with that. I need you to be okay with me being the way I am.” Katya was letting tears fall down his face as he maintained eye contact with his boyfriend. 

“I am, Kat. Of course I am. I love you, all of you.” Trixie got up and sat next to Katya on the bed. 

“But you don’t act like it. I’m unapologetically who I am. It’s taken me a lot of years to love myself. Like a lot. Thirty-three if you want to be exact. I can’t be with someone who isn’t okay with who I am, every bit of it.” Trixie pulled him into a hug as he was speaking, but Katya pushed him away. “No, you can’t, because I can’t.”

“Bri, please just let me —“ 

“No, see that’s my point. I tell you I can’t and it doesn’t matter to you. I know you’re trying to help, I do. It’s just that you have to listen to me. God, I try to do everything to keep you happy and smiling. I don’t understand why you can’t do the same for me.” Katya got up off the bed and sat in the arm chair that Trixie had vacated. 

“Katya, I’m trying and you’re not letting me. I try and try and try. All you tell me is that you’re fine, that you can handle it. But you can’t! At least, not by yourself, but letting me love you is too much to ask, I guess.” Trixie threw his hands up in frustration. 

Katya was speechless. In a way, Trixie was right. But she was also very, very wrong. “Look, can we just…can we be okay for now? We have one more week left on this fucking tour and then we’ll be home. We can talk about all of this then?” 

“Yeah, alright.” Trixie got up and walked into the bathroom. “If _we_ still have a home,” she mumbled just low enough that Katya didn’t hear him. 

_I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away_

_But baby, I just need one good one, good one_

_Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one_

_Baby, I just need one good one to stay_

They got home from their tour and immediately slept for two days. It had been short but they had traveled across the country and even parts of Canada in just under a month. That takes a lot out of a person.

Both queens took solace in the fact that they were able to sleep in the same bed without crying or fighting. That all changed on the third day when they actually felt like they could move their bodies. “Hey,” Katya said, looking up at Trixie over his coffee mug.

“Hey,” he replied, pouring his own coffee. 

“So, there’s a conversation to be had,” the blonde sighed. “Do you wanna go sit?”

“Yeah, okay.” Trixie followed Katya over to their couch. 

“I love you,” Katya started.

“I love you too, Kat.” 

“But we can’t keep doing this to each other.”

Trixie closed his eyes and inhaled. “I know. Sometimes it’s not enough.” 

It was Katya’s turn to close his eyes and sigh. “No, sometimes it’s not.” 

“What do you want to do?” Trixie asked hesitantly. 

“I want to stay, god, I want to stay. If you could just come up with one reason for me to stay, I would do it.” Katya grabbed Trixie’s hand. 

“You know I can’t.” Trixie felt a sob rising within him. 

“I know, love, I know. Courtney said I could stay with her until I find a place.”

“So you knew this was coming?” Trixie didn’t want the answer but needed to hear it. 

“Yeah, I did. Didn’t you?” Katya stood and held out his other hand for Trixie to take. 

“I did too. I can, um, I can help you pack?” 

“I think it’s probably best if you don’t. Maybe you should go out for a bit? It’ll be easier this way.” 

Trixie snorted, “It’s not easy any way.” 

“I know.” Katya pulled his suitcase out of their closet. 

“Will you be here when I get back?” Trixie asked, with tears in his eyes. 

Everything in Katya was telling him to say yes, to say that he’s not going anywhere, that they can make it work, but all that came out was “No baby, I won’t.” 


End file.
